I scream

No this post isn’t about ice cream.

It’s about all the wrong things which makes me want to scream and which actually makes me scream.

It’s a symbol of my frustration. It’s an evidence of my feeling of helplessness and abject apathy to the complaints of a fellow human being.

The first time I screamed at the top of my voice, marked the beginning of the end of my farce of a marriage.

Then I screamed whenever I was being compelled to do something I didn’t want to do.

Also my mom’s taunts that I deserved to be a failure made me scream

Then I started screaming for my voice to be heard against all wrongs at the workplace.

I screamed yet nothing worked, my voice wasn’t heard.

I don’t want to scream, infact I don’t like to scream.

But the unfairness of it all makes feel like scream – in trains when pushed and shoved, in workplace when facing chameleonscue co-workers make me scream and want to scream.

Yes I scream

Yet my voice isn’t heard

Workplace Politics

I am tired and I lack energy and I am totally demotivated. I am suffering because of workplace politics.

I am now firmly of the opinion that women are women’s worst enemies. I raised my voice but I am being made to look like a villain.

I am one of the many frustrated, suffering souls at workplace who aren’t allowed to spread their wings but who are being pulled down by crabs.

I don’t want to leave my job because of my biased superiors and devious people working under me. I am ashamed and helpless.

My complaint wasn’t accepted and I suspect now that they will try to oust me by crooked means. I am not worried.

If you guys have ever come across such things at workplace, how did you tackle it?

Do let me know.

Worse than poisonous snakes

Are scorpions more poisonous than snakes?

Or are there worser things

Yes those are called as humans

They can put all these so called beasts to shame.

I have seen the worst faces of humans

Some remind me of chameleon;

Some remind me of lizards;

Some remind me of lions

Very few are actually humans

Good enough

I always have wished to be good enough. My mom always had ideals, benchmarks of how her kids should be. Somehow I failed all her tests. I am never good enough for her.

This stuck with me and stayed. Even if my father, tried dissuading from comparisons, it was a lost battle. I had already lost the battle by the constant hammering from her.

Friends have been a big support for me. However, some well intentioned friends also put me down subtly in front of others.

I always tried to fit in but I wasn’t special. I started believing I wasn’t good enough.

Even liking, crush all were one-sided. From my side only. I started firmly believing in my mom’s theory of not being good enough.

Still I did well for myself. Not excellent but I was average and I was happy with that. My friends were positive and supporting.

Life threw curveballs, I struggled, faltered but didn’t give up. I had my faith in God. A serious illness, missing college, speculation about my health together with unsuccessful professional exam attempt made me feel not good enough.

When all others got jobs, I couldn’t get a job easily. While others got married and had kids, settled down, I was struggling.

Even marriage didn’t work out. I failed spectacularly.

The job I had got was a good one but there was no peace, constant bullying, struggle to prove myself. I had my mentors and support systems who helped me survive.

Amidst all the struggle, I realized that if I could survive all these issues, I am good enough.

All my life, I will support people and make them feel they are good enough. I hope I don’t put down people and I build them up with positive words. Just like my workshops and friends taught me.

I am good enough.

The Bridge

Bridges are built for making us cross over easily and reach our destination.

I have run across this bridge many times. I have crossed this brudge many times to reach home. But of late, this particular bridge scares me. Let me tell you why.

I am a scaredy cat, literally. I don’t like to remain alone at home. If I read about any unfortunate event, it keeps on playing on my mind.

I have a personal curfew of 10 pm. Later than 10 pm, I don’t remain out and only once or twice in company of friends I was late. On those occasions I simply didn’t have to cross the bridge.

Of late, after hearing about many incidents of theft, murder and so on. I became uncomfortable at night times. Because it is night time when such things happen according to me.

My new job requires me reach later than my personal curfew time. I travel by bus at night as it’s seems the most economical and safest option for me to travel. The only problem I have to cross the bridge, after getting down at my stop.

I literally panic, pray, run to reach down and reach home. Everyday it’s the same. If I reach around 10.30 pm, no problem. If I see, couples chatting away, women walking with kids on the bridge I don’t panic much. But still the relief on crossing the bridge is immense.

It’s really something I need to get over. Do other men and women react in a similar manner. I wonder. It would be great to feel safe.

Balanced Diet

I have realized that my diet goes haywire when I am under tremendous stress or pressure.

Over the years, I tried a lot of so called diets and have failed. Mostly I failed because those were diets the ones someone else wanted me to follow.

What did I want? Did I feel the need to lose weight? Was I comfortable following these diets?

Once I realized I am going about it the wrong way. I decided to follow my own planned diet. For 3 months, it worked beautifully and I lost 7 kgs. But then a very sad situation at work place disturbed me so much that I somehow lost the momentum and went back to my binge eating days.

I still regret my emotional binge eating(that’s what it is) and am still trying to follow my balanced diet plan. Hope to start soon!

Will keep you all posted!

You and me

You come when I have work to do

You meet during my calm moments

You surprise me during travels

You are my best friend in laziness

But when night time comes

And I would love to welcome you

You play hide and seek

You gift me insomnia

You leave me groggy eyed

Not fresh for the new day

Please come on time

My dear sleepšŸ˜“

Travel capers

I remember that travel can be safe but it can be wrought with it’s own dangers and funny situations.

If there is anything I have learnt living in this city, it’s too fast paced. Being pushed, unceremoniously shifted aside, forgetting to say “excuse me” is fairly common.

I remember distinctly to my shock when I was new to train travelling being pushed from the train and landing on a vegetable vendor’s basket, getting my lip cut, bleeding and shaken.

One fine morning when was in an extremely upset, I shed tears unknowingly at the railway station while recalling my woes. A police personnel observing my distress rushed to ask me whether there was any problem.

Once when I entered the train, I came across an old lady smiling at me. I smiled back. After she started yelling at me for stamping on her foot. Her tirade continued more when she saw me giggling with another girl about this mistaken identity rant.

I am normally very level headed when I travel. I have decided never to lose my cool or quarrel with people. But I had to break my rule recently. When I travelling, a girl took it upon herself to target me for putting pressure on her. Actually I felt she just wanted to vent her ire on someone. I kept quite once or twice. So she thought I was an easy target. I finally lost my cool when loudly berated me asking me what I was thinking about putting pressure on her.

I couldn’t control myself I had to retaliate. I asked to shut up. I was very loud and clear. No one messed with me after that.

Many more capers to come

Love is Blind

It’s said that – Love is Blind

Never thought it’d literally be so

A child who face parents should first know

Played hide and seek with them

Innocently not knowing the reality though

They couldn’t see her lovely innocence

Just hear her voice, through the other sense

To be continued

Travel time

What are you most likely to do when you travel?

I mostly pray, sometimes I hold on to my dear life.

On days when I am not exactly positive, I get super irritated.

Sometimes I judge, sometimes I have to retract my thoughts

Few day back –

A little girl , a teenager barely around 13-14 years maybe started crying. She was alone.

Some aunty in train started asking her what happened. The girl told her that her elder sister and she came to the station together to get into a train, but her elder sister couldn’t get in.

She was supposed to get down at the station I get down at. But another lady told she would accompany, still I felt I should ensure her safety.

I was looking at her the whole time, when we got down I followed the lady and the girl to see what happened next.

It was heartwarming to see the child getting into a bus with some money given by strangers and saying bye to the lady who helped.

I felt touched and blessed!